Monday, 14 February 2011
I am not into porn, but i think i have seen enough of it to know why. Almost all porn that i have seen was way too fake for my taste. Even when it was real sex by people who were not in a movie of some kind, it were exhibitionistic people who were aware of the fact that their act was recorded. That makes it difficult for me to get excited.
My sexual phantasies are not extravagant, i don’t get excited over Playboy models or actors. Basically my phantasies about sex are the same about my phantasies about any other contact: i want it to be without barriers, stress, holding back or whatever keeps people from just being their natural selves.
I love to watch people doing things: laughing, walking, working, reading and most of all dancing. I am not sure if i would like to watch people having sex. I mean, i don’t know how it would be to see how my friends have sex, and although i am sometimes curious about it, i don’t think i really want to know. To see people dance is interesting enough for me.
In order to dance one has to let go at least a bit of the fronts and postures most people try to keep up the rest of the time. Most people that i have seen dancing don’t let go all of it. But they show glimpses of how they would look like if they did. Especially when they dance to music that they really love and when the atmosphere is good and when they have had some drinks, people show themselves on the dancefloor in a way that i never get to see them in other situations. Although this has a erotic aspect, it is not sexual: it more about esthetics and love than about sex.
Last night i was at a dance party where i was one of the very few men. That was odd. I was also much older than most of the women and i was not dressed pretty shabby, while many of the women were dressed exceptionally well. Usually i don’t think very much about the fact that just as i study others, they probably study me. Last night i felt more eyes on me than usual. But i came there to dance and so i did. And as always, after a few minutes i was lost in music. Every now and then i looked around and saw that there were not much people on the dancefloor. A few times i was the only one. That made me aware of my own body in a way that i don’t like. I am not an exhibitionist. I just love to dance. Even under circumstances like these, which are far from ideal.
This morning i turned on the computer, opened up FaceBook and saw a series of video’s posted by one of my FB friends. In the video’s a woman dancing in her own home. She is not a great dancer and she has more exhibitionism that i prefer, but it clear that she loves to dance and that she feels little restrictions in showing that. While watching these video’s, i got many of the same thoughts that i had yesterday evening and that i just try to write down.
I don’t do justice to this subject with these way too superficial stories, but at the moment i don’t have the energy and inspiration to do better. If there are any studies/articles/blogs/books about this subject i would love to hear that.
Here is one of these dancing-at-home video’s:
And here is another one: