Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Ten years ago i had my first vision. I had always wondered what a vision was, so apart from the content of this vision, i was fascinated by the way it worked. It is not as spectacular as i had thought or as it has been depicted in movies or stories. The best way to describe it is to imagine that somebody else, who is much smarter than me, is operating my brain and i am watching what is produced.
As far as i understand it, a vision never ends, nor does it ever really start. I just noticed what was going on in my head because it sort of exploded and i suddenly became aware of this “visioning”, as something going on in the back of my mind. The visioning is obscured by my ordinary thoughts, it is as simple as that. After a few days the vision seemed to fade away, but this is not what really happened. It was my attention that faded away. In order to see what is happening inside my mind, i have to concentrate on that. But most of the time i am focussed on what is happening in the world around me and on my own thoughts. And that means that the visioning is running in the background, hardly noticeable; i understand now that this is why i never noticed it before it exploded.
The first vision i had was about time and i didn’t really understand it. I still don’t. Try to imagine that you are able to operate the mind of a child: you can make use of all the information that is in that brain. But you cannot create new images or new memories, you have to work with what is in the database. You can imagine that it is difficult to let the child know that you are there in the first place: all you can present is already known to the child! You can only change the sequence, and, in my case, the volume and the lightning. I noticed that certain thoughts, memories, images were louder or highlighted. And when i started to put all these data together, i noticed that there was a story being told in my mind.
An important part of this story was about the relation between past and future. It seemed as if information is somehow leaking backwards in time. And it is leaking through us, through our minds. Our minds are some sort of time-machine for data. I have already told a bit about all this in earlier posts, but the reason i tell it again is that the past few days there is again some serious visioning going on in my mind. It started when i read about nano-machines, the size of a molecule. Some scientists are actually trying to built such moleculair machines.

Then i stumbled upon an article on a group of people who are building 3D printers that can print all the parts to build a 3D printer. And then my mind started to run a new version of the vision that i had ten years ago.
The basic idea is that we are own creators. Life is our invention and we are in a loop that we experience as time. I don’t really believe this idea, but this is what my mind comes up with. The moleculair machines that scientists are trying to make are the precursors of the moleculair machines that form the cells of our body.
This idea implies that somewhere in time there is a jump/shift/change from this reality to a new reality, which we have created ourselves. And this ending/beginning of time is Eternal, just like the rest of time: life is self-reproducing loop.
What i didn’t like about having that first vision is that i had a hard time acting normal. Whenever i tried to talk about it, it scared people. Well, not all, but enough to make me keep quiet about it. I think i can handle it better now, but still i feel hesitations to open the doors of my mind. The is no way to be sure that i am not simply going mad. When i see or read how other people deal with what seem simular axperiences i often think that they are indeed mad.
Much of the visioning, or, better said, most of what i notice of the visioning, happens while i am drawing. And that is what i do almost every evening. Here are some more droodles from my sketchbook: